Codependents Need Structure

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As addicts we tend to revolt from authority, most of us do anyway...

Structure is something we hate. Well, it's also something we need.

Good Fences make Good Neighbors -Robert Frost.

Normal (not addicted people) are comfortable with structure, our distaste for it is understandable, but misguided. We all have boundaries, our skin is where our bodies end and everything and everyone else begins.

Our emotional boundaries are where what's appropriate for us and what's appropriate for everyone else begins & ends. Pia Melody speaks of Intellectual boundaries (emotional ones are bundled together with the intellectual boundary) and physical boundaries.

It's easier to find your physical boundary, just have someone walk up to until you get uncomfortable. Once that person gets close enough for you to feel "crowded", they're in your 'space'...

You'll tend to back up a bit, at least you will put more of your weight on the heels of your feet.

Boundaries are the epidermis of your sense of self. They are the container for your sense of self. You cannot weigh self esteem, it has no specific gravity, neither does a daydream or any other thought that pops into your mind. You can't keep self esteem without a box to keep it in, boundaries are that box.

When you don't have *good* boundaries, you can't even tell what the hell we're talking about... (who is to say what a good boundary is? for our purposes just say functional boundary) If you guilt or are guilt-able, you have a *hole* in your boundary.

Bad or less than functional boundaries are not always cut and dried, you can be selfish on some areas and not in others. You can be manipulative with some people (say co workers), but that doesn't automatically correlate to you being manipulative with everyone.

Structure is useful, if you're only comfortable with less than functional boundaries because that's all you've ever known, because your parents only taught less than functional boundaries.... structure is going to seem like cod liver oil, it's going to taste bad.

For an addict, it can be a useful strategy, temporarily, until you can get comfortable with boundaries and structure... to have someone else hold your money when you get paid.

This is NOT a fix.

This is NOT being responsible.

this IS training wheels on your tricycle.

I knew a guy, a real jerk, a wife beater, a hard core crack addict, the brother of a friend of mine... he did this and it did impress me: Once you get paid, before you even get tempted to screw up, get a money order for your rent or car payment or whatever, then mail it off to your self.

Binge on what's left. You're a addict.

You were going to do that anyway... but this way at least you're not gonna smoke your rent and get kicked out on the street again. This way you wont have to be embarrassed and ask your children (again) to loan you enough money to keep a roof over your head. We're gonna have to LEARN how to treat ourselves with respect.

This is a LEARNED behavior.

As addicts we have little or no experience with treating ourselves with respect.

It's going to take practice...

How long did it take you to learn how to walk? get my drift?

========== These articles are for informational purposes only.

Contact a licensed counselor if you're in crisis.

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About The Author: David Bruce Jr is a recovering incest survivor who writes about Adult Children of Alcoholics issues and addiction in general. He lives in Frederick, MD. Boundaries for Codependents ezinearticles.com/?We-Need-Structure&id=861820