Runway Convictions: Why Models Should Be Above the Law

From Kate Moss to Naomi Campbell, models like myself are the latest pseudo-celebrity niche to have our fair share of foibles with the law. Lest you thought being anorexic, attended to and walking were too little in the way of career pressure, I’m proud to say that our criminal activities have shown that we’re just as rotten as our celebrity counterparts on the stage and screen.

I can’t count the sheer number of times I myself have gotten angry enough to throw my cell phone at an assistant or jeopardize my multi-million dollar contracts over a late night cocaine binge because of the pressures involved in looking abnormally thin and making countless scores of preteen girls question their self worth. It’s a hard job, but I’ll be damned if those clothes are going to walk, turn and walk back on their own.

I know what you’re thinking, I get paid more than the GDP of some small countries to be photographed and put on outfits are so ridiculously adorned that they’ll never make it to sweatshop assembly lines, and to be honest, you’re right. But what you don’t know is how pouty I have to look when doing so. Imagine trying to give someone a kiss while looking sullen. Now imagine holding that kiss for 30 seconds at a time. As you can probably guess, that can be exhausting! Still think I’m undeserving of a little unpunished bad behavior?

Sure, I get free designer labels all the time, the benefits of being a celebrity and the sincere gratitude of countless weight loss programs across the world, but look at the scrutiny I’m under. You get to work all day at your job, where you enjoy the company of the same old people you see day in and day out. Were I not surrounded by my massive entourage of yes people and publicists, I would have the pressure of meeting new and exciting people each and every day.

It’s ok, don’t cry for me. Just be more understanding when I and those like me occasionally break the law yet rarely if ever pay the consequences. After all, if I weren’t here to show you just how fat and unattractive you and your children are, how would you ever know? In my mind, I deserve to throw my lack of weight around and get away with whatever I please. Furthermore, who else is going to grace the cover of Vogue or Cosmo? Not you, that’s for sure! You might make it to Good Housekeeping on your best day, but that’s the kiss of death for my career.

Just remember, you don’t want the pressures of my life. Well, you might want them if you get arrested, but otherwise you probably don’t. You can eat all the caviar you can get your weathered hands on, though we both know that isn’t much, while I have to enjoy it moderation or risk gaining a pound. Whoever said life was fair?