Witty Reports From The World Of Cigars

By: Garson Smart Click author's name for more of his/her articles

First up, there's the issue of the gentleman who treasured his premium cigar too much. Is such a thing imaginable? Well, if it ends up in mug shots being taken, the answer is affirmative. We all like to save money on our premium cigars from time to time--which is why it's particularly valuable to have a discount premium cigar store bookmarked to your "Favorites" list on your web browser. But when you're thieving boxes of premium cigars from your local gas station, you're not a cigar aficionado--you're just a shoplifter.

Newspapers report that exactly this development unfolded recently in the vicinity of Palm Beach, Florida, where a guy donning a black ski mask (just like in the movies) robbed a neighborhood Citgo at gunpoint. He made off with all the cash in the register--and a cigar box. That's it. No candies, condoms or air fresheners; no auto parts, magazines, or food. This guy must have known exactly what he was after. Points to him for the intensity and degree of his cigar admiration, but not for his way of showing it.

Sorry to say, the name of the cigar brand that he decided to steal has not been released to the general public. Hope they can get back the loss--and that the unfortunate attendant who was robbed has recovered from the trauma.

A similar incident was recently reported in Rosenberg, Texas. This case involved a seventeen-year-old man taking eighty dollars' worth of cigars from a neighborhood Shamrock station. Hopefully this young man's parents can straighten him out--and at least this robbery didn't comprise holding anybody at gunpoint. The same goes for a Howell, New Jersey occurrence in which four guys--ages 21, 34, 35, and 36-- skipped the gas station entirely and went straight for a cigar shop. (Greater age, obviously, does not bring good judgment.) Reports are imprecise in relation to whether a fourth like robbery--this one happening in Youngstown, Ohio, the birthplace of poets Kenneth Patchen and Hart Crane--involved the intimidation of assault with a deadly weapon; in this occurrence, a pair of men with their hands in their pockets (as if carrying guns) robbed a neighborhood Speedway, swiping fifty-five cigars of a brand that I won't name, except to disclose that it was not exactly a premium brand.

If only all these individuals had recognized that scores of premium cigars are also obtainable at a discount on the Internet. Buying premium discount cigars online is a much better deal than having to come up with fifty thousand dollars in bail each--which is the bail set by Howell, New Jersey, police for the four guys involved in the cigar store robbery, who were apprehended and charged before the break-in could become a reality.

In other comical cigar-related events, economic crises often cause a certain entrepreneurial ingenuity--the inventor of Monopoly created the game to kill time during a Depression-era lay-off, for example--and these days, that same creativity is combining with widespread anti-smoking sentiment to produce … the electronic cigar. An American business is producing a tobacco-free, no-secondhand- smoke-producing gizmo that (they state) permits smokers to have the pleasures of smoking without in fact … smoking. The prediction for this one don't appear especially bright, but the funny mental picture it creates may be worth something.

Although he, too, had an entrepreneurial streak (he developed many inventions, most of which failed monetarily, including a breakdown-prone typesetting machine that was supplanted by the Linotype), the great Mark Twain is one premium cigar aficionado whom one cannot envision touching such a mechanism with a ten-foot pole. Some of Twain's confidential and unpublishable writing--the kind that he literally kept in a box, knowing it would damage his reputation--has just seen print, finally, as the hundredth anniversary of the father of American literature's death approaches. Amongst these pieces is a lengthy "discussion" between Twain and Satan that features many of the former's reflections on cigars. For premium cigar aficionados, it is must reading. The book is titled Who Is Mark Twain?

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